So we took a page out of the book of professional sports, and will be starting a series where we use video games to predict the outcome of upcoming events. Every week, based on the events of the previous episode, we will pit characters against each other in a battle to the death using the crucible of WWE 2k16.*
We will report the full results here in prose, with accompanying screenshots so that you can relive the action as it happened live. Beware, spoilers lie below, so if you’re not all caught up, make sure to do so before reading.
*well, okay, it’s not really a battle to the death, the match ends when somebody gets pinned, but you get the idea
MATCH 1: ARYA STARK v. THE WAIF (EXTREME RULES)
After last week’s confrontation and the reappearance of Jaqen H’ghar, it appears as if the tensions between Arya Stark and The Waif will finally come to a head. A brawl between the two is looking very likely, especially since Arya is now back in Jaqen’s care along with The Waif.
The two will likely come to blows back in The House Of Black And White as part of a training session. Arya’s frustration will get the better of her, however, and she will turn the training session into a fight to the death by knocking The Waif down, then front flipping from a table onto her downed body.
The tide of the fight will change quickly, however. The Waif knows that Arya is serious, but she is still blind. Understandably, many of Arya’s attacks do not hit their mark, her strikes and grapples finding nothing but the thin air in front of her. Before long, The Waif will start baiting Arya into attacking, easily dodging her wild attacks and using her size advantage to overpower Arya and take complete control of the fight.
She will back Arya up against multiple walls in the Hall of Faces and begin mercilessly punching her in the face over and over…
and over…
and over again.
Arya is nothing if not tenacious, however. Her spirit will not be broken. She will be able to make her way back to her feet, and after taunting The Waif into a mistake by threatening her with a nearby ladder, will hit a standing suplex on The Waif right next to the fountain.
Feeling the momentum shift her way, Arya is now out for blood. Roaring, she performs her patented Knee of the North on the dazed Waif.
She then deals what she believes to be the death blow, risking her own life to slam The Waif into the ladder she placed earlier.
The ladder splinters and blood sprays everywhere. It’s impossible to see who got the worst of this, but The Waif is not moving. Arya, with the last bit of her strength, attempts to force The Waif to drink from the poisoned fountain, but she has played right into The Waif’s hand.
Using her superior size and strength to her advantage, The Waif carries the weakened Arya Stark back over to the Hall of Faces and proceeds to suspend Arya upside-down from one of the openings.
Swiftly and mercilessly, The Waif will land a kick aimed straight for Arya Stark’s neck, crushing her windpipe and damning her to a slow, painful death by suffocation. Jaqen H’Ghar stands, watching silently as the life of another heir to the North is snuffed out.
The most surprising moment of last week’s episode was, without doubt, the revival of Jon Snow (even though we all totally freakin’ called it as soon as he died). This week, we will see the ultimate confrontation between Snow and the men that organized his murder: Alliser Thorne and Olly, the worst kid ever (besides Joffrey, but he’s dead, so he doesn’t count). Tomorrow, these three will do battle around the grounds of Castle Black, and neither side will relent until blood is spilled.
As should be expected, the fight will begin with Jon Snow showing off his strength, easily flinging the larger Thorne around the grounds of Castle Black. Completely dominating all aspects of the fight, Snow attempts to end things quickly with a death blow. As he is about to break Thorne’s neck, however, Olly distracts him and allows Thorne to get away for the time being.
The cowardly Thorne retreats into the castle, leaving Olly alone to deal with Snow. This goes about how you’d expect, and Jon Snow is able to knee OIly in his prepubescent balls at least twice.
Alliser returns to the courtyard, and Olly, spotting an opportunity, flings Jon into a nearby alcove, thinking that the two of them will have a strategic advantage confronting Jon in closer quarters, giving him less room to escape.
Olly’s logic is sound, but as he’s still a weak little babychild, he takes cover behind a nearby stairway as soon as the athletically superior Jon Snow regains the upper hand. Sadly, at this point it’s clear that the damage has been done already. Jon Snow is visibly bloodied and tired, and after once more being distracted by Olly’s shouts, Alliser is able to slam Snow into the cold ice of Castle Black.
Over.
And over.
And over again.
In a last-gasp effort to save his life and the lives of his comrades, Snow delivers a massive clothesline to Thorne and readies himself to deal the death blow against an unarmed Olly.
At the last moment, however, Olly apologizes, giving a tearful reason for his actions. This causes Snow to stay his blade.
That’s all the time Olly needed to hatch his final plan.
Olly swiftly ascends the stairs and summons up all his courage, flinging himself from the landing into the flabbergasted Jon Snow.
Olly’s Shitbag Slam finds its mark, and it provides Alliser with just the chance he has been waiting for.
Laughing over the former lord commander’s broken body, Alliser then proceeds to hoist it over his shoulder. He makes the long trek to the top of the wall, and then…
shatters all of our hearts by tossing Snow, head first, off of the wall. With a sickening sound of impact, Jon Snow is dead once more, and it’s clear that no amount of magic will be able to bring him back this time.
Thus, the third episode of Game of Thrones ends with the death of two beloved Starks. It will prove to be a divisive and brutal episode with two fan favorites meeting untimely and surprising deaths, but hey, at least Tyrion’s still around, right?
Feel free to share your own simulations and predictions in the comments below! Who do you think will kick the bucket tomorrow? We’ll be back next week with another installment of Game(Skinny) of Thrones, where we examine the accuracy of this week’s simulation and look ahead to predicting next week’s episode.
